Doggy doggy, where's your bone
by Dad
Summary: This is, yet again, a fic created by my insane father. I love it though! Inu yasha uses the shikon jewel to turn himself into a full demon but something goes wrong!
1. Part I

A dog's life  
  
"At last, the shikon jewel is mine!" shouts Inu Yasha. "With its power I'll become a full fledged demon." As he holds the jewel over his head it begins to glow. The glow surrounds him and he is engulfed by its brilliance. In one bright flash, Inu Yasha is gone.  
  
Inu Yasha comes to and struggles to his feet. He notices a change. He now has four feet, well, paws. "What the hell?" he thinks. He staggers to a stream and looks in. " OH MY GOD, I'M A DOG!" He screams but all that comes out is senseless barking. He looks around and sees the jewel lying on the ground. " Stupid jewel, I wanted to be a demon, not a dog!" He suddenly is aware that he can't talk, just bark. "Great," he thinks to himself. " Not only am I a dog, but no one can understand me. I know, I'll throw the jewel into the well. Surely Kagome will know that it means I'm in trouble and she'll come to rescue me." He picks up the jewel in his teeth, which is the only way a dog can, and drops it into the well.  
  
"Goodbye, Grandpa. I'm off to school." Kagome leaves her home and heads toward the school. Suddenly, a strange look comes over her face. "Strange, I sense a jewel shard. But it can't be, I gave all the jewel shards to Inu Yasha for safekeeping. He promised not to use them until we talked." She is pulled into the family shrine and the well. "The feeling is so strong, it can't be just one shard." She climbs down the ladder and begins to dig. " Oh no, the jewel is back together. That means Inu Yasha has done something stupid." Magically, she is sent to feudal Japan. She looks up and sees the face of a big, hairy dog. As she climbs out of the well, she says, " Where's Inu Yasha? He wouldn't just throw the shikon jewel into the well and leave." All this time the dog is bouncing around her feet and yelping. "Quiet, boy." Kagome says. The dog jumps up and puts its muddy paws on her white blouse. " Down boy, SIT!" And to her amazement, the dog falls flat on his face! "Inu Yasha?" Kagome starts to giggle.  
  
" Thank goodness", Inu Yasha thinks. "Now she can use the jewel to get me back to normal." But, Kagome has other plans. " Well, Mr. Smartypants, have we been playing with something we shouldn't have been playing with?" Inu Yasha hangs his head and whimpers. "Well, I know just what to do..." Inu Yasha perks his ears. " You can come and live with me!" Inu Yasha's jaw drops. He begins to shake his head, but it comes out looking like he's shaking off water. "Good, it's all settled. But first, are you housebroken?" Kagome giggles. She tries to pick him up, but he's too big to carry. She finally grabs two handfuls of hair, which doesn't make Inu Yasha happy, and dumps him into the well.  
  
Back on the other side, Kagome has to think of a way to break the news to her family that she's bringing a dog into the house. "You wait here and don't wander off. I wouldn't want the dogcatcher to get you. Kagome enters the house and leaves Inu Yasha out back. " I hope they say no, I hope they say no, I hope they say no,..." Inu Yasha thinks to himself over and over. Meanwhile, Kagome is trying to convince her family they need a dog. "He's a good watchdog and I've always wanted a pet." "Remember the gerbil twins, Lindsey and Lauren?" Mother says. " That's not all my fault, Souta was supposed to feed them, too. Besides only one of them died." " That's because Lindsey ate Lauren, then you fed Lindsey that red hot fireball and it drown trying to cool its mouth. Then there was the boa constrictor you named Shawna, remember? You squeezed it to death? And that talking parrot you had to have, Elizabeth? You wouldn't let it get a word in and it ran away?" "OK, OK, I get the idea! Sheesh!" Kagome says angrily. " Please mom, just give me a chance. One week, OK?" " Alright," Mother says. " One week, then if you don't take care of him, he goes, OK?" "OK."  
  
Kagome goes around the house and finds Inu Yasha with his paws together and his eyes closed, praying. "Guess what? Mom said you can stay, isn't that great?" Inu Yasha just growls. She leads him into the house. " That thing better be housebroken!" Grandpa glares at Inu Yasha. " We're just not going to get along, are we old man?" Inu Yasha thinks. " This is Souta's room, you stay here. I'll see you after school. Bye!" Kagome leaves. " So this is hell." Inu Yasha thinks.  
  
A little while later, Inu Yasha wakes up. " Uh-oh, I gotta go!" He wanders around the house trying to find the bathroom. He pokes his head into one room then another. He looks in the bathroom and finds Grandpa on the toilet. " GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MANGEY DOG!" He throws a magazine at him, missing him by inches. Inu Yasha ducks out of the door. " Jeez, old man, what crawled up in you and died?" He looks at the magazine. " Playboy? You are a horny old guy, aren't you?" Inu Yasha waits outside the door for what seems like hours. " Come on, old man. Did you die in there?" Just then, Grandpa comes out. " Stupid dog!" He kicks at Inu Yasha who growls back. " Thank goodness!" Inu Yasha goes into the bathroom. He tries to stand up next to the toilet. " I forgot, I'm a dog! Oh man, I gotta go! What am I gonna do? Oh, Geez!" Inu Yasha couldn't hold it any longer. He raised his leg and let it fly. " PHEW! What a relief!" Inu Yasha thinks. But, Grandpa chooses that moment to look for his magazine. " WHY YOU MANGEY DOG! I KNEW IT!" He raises his cane and pummels Inu Yasha. Kagome finds him in the yard, unconscious. After a long discussion, Kagome has a talk with Inu Yasha. " Outside, You're supposed to go outside! OK!" Inu Yasha staggers to his feet and nods.  
  
Things seem to go smoothly for the next few days, though no one can understand how Kagome housetrained Inu Yasha just by talking to him. He just lay around the house and slept. Then, one day, it happened. Inu Yasha had to go, so he went to Kagome's mother to be let out. " You need to go out, Boy?" She opens the door and sees the next-door neighbor's dog in the yard. She slams the door. " Oh no you don't! We don't need any puppies! Grandpa, come here and take Inu Yasha out on the leash. I'll call Dr. Mick and see if he can neuter him before Kagome gets home. Won't she be surprised!" "Neuter?" Inu Yasha thinks. "What's a neuter?" Unfortunately, he finds out!  
  
" Hello, everyone! I'm home!" Kagome yells from the door. Inu Yasha is lying on the floor, looking miserable. " What's wrong, Inu Yasha?" " If you only knew what those bleep-of-a-bleeps did to me!" He thinks. "Oh, he's just upset because we had him fixed today." Mother says. " What do you mean 'fixed'."? Kagome says nervously. " You know, castrated." "YOU MEAN YOU CUT OFF HIS..." "Yeah", says Grandpa. "Right down to the root. Heh, heh." " OH MY GOD! INU YASHA!" She runs to him and hugs him. " Yeah, now you want to cuddle." He growls. " I'm so sorry. I should have turned you back. I promise, I'll make it right." Says Kagome with tears in her eyes. "How are you gonna do that? My manhood is a rat's chew toy by now!" Inu Yasha thinks.  
  
True to her word, Kagome tries to find a way to reverse the jewels spell and undo the castration. Inu Yasha, on the other hand, has lost all hope of either coming true. He's developed a taste for Alpo and rawhide chew toys. He drinks from the toilet and even learned to beg, roll over, and play dead (he still won't sit on command). But, Grandpa is still a problem. " Stupid dog! Won't come when I call! I'll show him!" Grandpa leaves and returns a few hours later with a surprise for Inu Yasha. " The man at the pet store called it a 'shock collar'. He said you use it to train dogs to obey by shocking them when they don't follow commands. Now let's see that dog ignore me. Heh, heh!" " Now Grandpa. Don't torture Inu Yasha. You know he doesn't like you." Mother says. " It's not torture, it's training." Grandpa walks over to Inu Yasha and tries to put on the collar. Inu Yasha growls at him, but he manages to get the collar fastened around his neck. "There, now let's see what it will do!" Grandpa hits the "high shock" button on the remote. "YIPE, YIPE, YIPE!" Inu Yasha goes screaming through the house with Grandpa close behind pushing the button and laughing. " Grandpa, stop it!" Kagome yells. "You should have more respect for your elders, young lady!" Grandpa yells back. He goes to his room grumbling but not before jolting Inu Yasha one last time. " I'm sorry, Inu Yasha." Says Kagome. " I'll get the collar off when he goes to sleep." " By then I'll be crispy! I've got to get out of here before they think up something else to cut off or electrocute!" Inu Yasha runs through the door and out of the yard with Kagome close behind yelling, " Inu Yasha, come back!" "Not on your life! I'm free!" He didn't see the cement truck and the driver didn't see him. But, Kagome saw both. She ran up to the squashed remains of Inu Yasha. " Poor Inu Yasha!" she says through her tears. Her mom runs up behind her. " I'm sorry, Kagome. Is there anything I can do?" She looks up at her mom and says, " Can I have a goldfish, now?"  
  
THE BITTER END 


	2. Part II

Inu Yasha wakes up panting and sweating. "It was only a dream!" He says with relief in his voice. He settles back down and tries to sleep, but he can't help thinking about the dream. "Was it some kind of premonition? Or a warning? Maybe it was just a stupid dream I should ignore and try to go back to sleep." He tosses and turns, but its no use. Finally, Inu Yasha admits to himself what was troubling him. "KAGOME TRADED ME FOR A GOLDFISH!" Enraged, he picks up a small rock and hits Kagome in the head. "HEY, WHO'S THROWING ROCKS?" she says rubbing her head. " Maybe it was your precious goldfish, go back to sleep." Inu Yasha says sarcastically.  
  
The next morning, Kagome is still confused about what happened. "Inu Yasha", she says cautiously. " What were you talking about last night? And why did you hit me with a rock?" Inu Yasha hangs his head. Embarrassed, he tells her about the dream and how it made him feel. He turns to her. Kagome touches Inu Yasha's shoulder and says, "A GOLDFISH? I TRADED YOU FOR A GOLDFISH IN A STUPID DREAM AND YOU HIT ME WITH A ROCK! I OUGHT TO SCREAM 'SIT' UNTIL YOUR NOSE IS FLAT! IN FACT I WILL-SIT, SIT, SIT, SIT...." Kagome screams until she's out of breath.  
  
" Will you guy's keep it down?" grumbles Shippou. " It's barely light out. SHEESH!" Shippou turns over and covers his head. " I had the strangest dream", said Miroku. " Inu Yasha was throwing rocks at goldfish and they had Kagome's voice. Weird, huh?" " Not weird, just stupid!" says Kagome as she stomps off. " What's with her?" says Miroku. Inu Yasha tells Miroku about the dream and the fight he and Kagome had. " So, You were castrated? Even for a dog, its hard to be separated from the one you love." Snickers Miroku. Shippou sits up and looks at Inu Yasha. " What's castrated?" Miroku whispers into Shippou's ear. Suddenly, he turns red and grabs his groin. " You mean they cut off your...." " Yeah, then they shocked me, and then I got squashed. Then Kagome traded me for a goldfish, can you believe it?" " But, they cut off your." Shippou grimaces. "OH MY, I'd hit her in the head, too! I mean, how did you use the bathroom? Did you sit down?" Miroku can't hold in the laughter anymore. He busts out and rolls on the ground. "I don't see what's so funny about having your, uh, tallywhacker cut off." Says Shippou. "TALLYWHACKER!" screams Miroku. "OH MY ACHING SIDES, HARHARRHEEEEE!"  
  
"What's so funny?" Kagome says as she returns from the river. "TALLYWHACKER! BWHAAHAAHAAHAA!" screams Miroku. Kagome looks puzzled. "I told them about the dream I had", Sighs Inu Yasha. " Yeah, and you cut off his tallywhacker!" Yells Shippou. " Tallywhacker?" blushes Kagome.  
  
After breakfast, the crew heads off in search of jewel shards. Inu Yasha and Kagome haven't spoken for hours, but they exchange looks every now and then. Miroku, however, won't stop snickering. Shippou just walks along with a far off look and shudders. Suddenly, Kagome stops and turns to Inu Yasha. "Look, if you were stupid enough to turn yourself into a dog, why would you be mad at me for trying to get a smarter pet?" "It's not just that, you let your mom and grandpa castrate me!" Shippou cringes at the word 'castrate'. "How can you miss something you don't even have?" screams Kagome. Miroku and Shippou stares at Kagome, who's blushing by now. "Inu Yasha?" asks Miroku. " Is there something you haven't told us?" Inu Yasha looks at the ground. He can't believe Kagome told his secret. She promised that she'd never tell. He looks at Kagome, who is deeply sorry for what she has done. "Well," says Inu Yasha. " There's no use in hiding it now, I'm a Woman!" Shippou and Miroku gasp. "I know you thought I was a man, and that's what I wanted everyone to think. You see, Sessy-chan, my brother, was always teasing me. Saying that I would never amount to anything. So, I set out to be a better man than he is." "You managed that, he's gay!" says Miroku. "Well," says Inu Yasha. " I got so good at it I just didn't stop. Now you know." Miroku walks up to Inu Yasha and hugs him, uh, her. As he holds her, he lets his hand slide down. Inu Yasha slaps him and says, " I'm not that kind of girl!" "I didn't think you were any kind of girl." Says Shippou. "But, what I don't understand is why Kagome hangs around you so much? I mean, are you a lesbian?" says Miroku. "Well, I sort of have a confession, too. I 'm a guy. I just like to dress in woman's clothes." Miroku passes out at the news. When he comes to, he spits and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. " I CAN'T BELIEVE I KISSED YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING." He says as he spits again. " OK, Inu Yasha's a woman, right?" asks Shippou. "Right." " And Kagome's a man, right?" "Right." " So, what are you, Miroku, a sheep?" Miroku flicks him on the head.  
  
So, with their secrets finally out, Kagome and Inu Yasha can finally be themselves. Inu Yasha pulls out his old makeup case and sets to work. In a few minutes, she's all made up. She puts on her brother's best dress, earrings, and high heels. " Well, what do you think?" says Inu Yasha. " I think you look gay, like your brother." Says Shippou. " I'M A GIRL, REMEMBER?" " Oh, in that case, you look OK." " OK," says Miroku. " You look marvelous!" He takes Inu Yasha in his arms and gives her a big, tongue kiss. "HEY," Yells Kagome. "THAT'S MY GIRL!" He pulls Miroku off Inu Yasha and decks him. " Are you alright, my sweet?" asks Kagome. " THAT'S IT, I'M OUTTA HERE!" Yells Shippou. " Me, too!" says Miroku. They leave Inu Yasha and Kagome in each other's arms. " Well, what do we do now?" asks Shippou as they walk along. " I don't know. But I've gotta go. I'll be right back." Miroku disappears into the bushes. Shippou hears what sounds like Miroku screaming. He burst into the bush to find Miroku standing on a stump, holding the edge of his robe to his face. "A MOUSE, A MOUSE! CHASE IT AWAY!" Then Shippou sees something he really wishes he hadn't seen. " YOU'RE, YOU'RE A, A, A GIRL!" Shippou says as he faints. 


	3. part III

CHAPTER III  
  
Shippou's eyes pop open and he lets out a small whine. He sits up and looks at the other three forms sleeping around the fire with suspicion. "Naw," he says and lies back down. He shuts his eyes, but sleep evades him. For a while, he just stares at Inu Yasha. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him. Quietly, he crawls over to him and lifts up his robe. "Well, he's OK." Sighs Shippou with a hint of relief. He then crawls to Miroku. "He's OK, too." He then crawls over to Kagome. Cautiously, he lifts the hem of Kagome's skirt. "SHREEEEEEEEEK!" Kagome slaps Shippou and sends him flying. "YOU PERVERT!" By now, Inu Yasha and Miroku are sitting up wondering what's going on. "I KNOW IT WAS YOU, MIROKU! DON'T SIT THERE LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!" It was about this time, Shippou emerges from the bush where he landed. "Ow, Kagome! You didn't have to hit so hard!" says Shippou rubbing his cheek. "I was just checking."  
  
"You? Shippou, you looked under my skirt?" "Yeah, I was just checking." "Checking what?" "To see if you're a girl." Kagome gives Miroku an angry look. "SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO HIM! YOU'VE TURNED HIM INTO A PERVERT LIKE YOU!" All this time, Inu Yasha's just rubbing his eyes and scratching. "Hold on, Kagome. Shippou, why did you look under Kagome's skirt again?" Shippou tells everyone about the dream he'd had and how everyone changed genders. "So you see, I just wanted to make sure that everyone's back to normal. I'm sorry, Kagome." "If you ask me, I think the boobs are a dead giveaway." Says Miroku. Kagome gives him another angry look. "YOU SEE WHY HE'S SUCH A BAD INFLUENCE!" She gives Shippou a hug. "That's OK, but from now on, just take my word for it." "OK." Says Shippou wiping away a tear. "So, do I get an apology?" pouts Miroku. "OK, I'm sorry you're a pervert!" "OK, people, the excitement is over. Let's get some sleep!" Yawns Inu Yasha.  
  
The next morning, Miroku is still holding a grudge. "I still can't believe you think I'm a pervert! That hurts!" Kagome sighs, "OK, Miroku," She says sounding tired. "I don't think you're a pervert and I'm sorry for calling you that." "Apology accepted," says Miroku with a smile. "Now let's kiss and make up!" He makes a grab for kagome but she slaps his hand away. "I TAKE IT BACK, YOU ARE A PERVERT!" "Oh well, you can't blame me for trying!"  
  
They walk all day, but no sign of jewel shards. After hours of searching, they come to a lavish mansion. "Well," says Miroku. "It's time to warn them of the dark cloud their hangs over their house." "And I suppose you'd be willing to lift their curse for room and board." Says Inu Yasha. "I'm not above accepting a reward for risking my life against the forces of darkness." "The only darkness I see is you character." Murmurs Kagome. Miroku knocks on the door. A beautiful woman answers and says, "Welcome to the house of beautiful women." She looks at Kagome, "You, my dear, are welcome. However, your friends are not, but they can sleep in the stables." Miroku snaps out of his trance, "My good woman, I am but a poor monk. I've journeyed to this house to warn you of an ominous cloud that hangs over this place. I've come to exorcize these demons and all I ask is food and shelter for the night." "Very well, good monk. For your bravery against the forces of evil, you shall have the best room and board." Kagome snaps out of her trance, "ARE YOU KIDDING, HE'S A LETCHER! A PERVERT!" "Nonsense," says the woman. "This is a man of god." Miroku enters the house, but turns and sticks his tongue out at Kagome. "Grrrrr!"Kagome growls. As Kagome and Miroku tour the house, it becomes obvious, to Miroku more than anyone else, that the house is inhabited by more than one hundred women, beautiful women! Kagome elbows Miroku. "Will you compose yourself!?" "This is your room Kagome." The woman opens a door to a large room filled with overstuffed furniture and a canopy bed." "IT'S GORGIOUS!" squeals Kagome, who runs in and jumps on the bed. "My dear, dinner's at six and lights out at eleven." "Where's the bathroom?" "There's a communal pool where we all bathe at ten. You must bathe then, too." She looks Miroku, "You, too, good monk." These are the last words Miroku remembers.  
  
Miroku comes to in a spacious room. "Are you alright?" Miroku looks around, there are at least ten beautiful women attending to him! "Are you alright?" One of them repeats. "Yes, but I'm still a little dizzy. Would you and," Miroku looks around. "And you," He points to a stunning redhead, "please help me to my feet?" They assist him to his feet while Miroku helps himself to a feel. "Thank you, my children." He says as he gives their butts one last squeeze. But, suddenly, he feels dizzy. He stumbles and the girls catch him. Normally, he'd be in heaven, but for some reason, he can't breathe! Miroku passes out.  
  
"That's pretty good!" Grumbles Inu Yasha. "We're stuck in here with the horses and the pervert has a warm bed and food, plus fringe benefits!" Shippou looks at Inu Yasha with a puzzled look. "What are 'fringe benefits'?" "Ask me when you're older." Just then Kagome runs in, "INU YASHA! YOU MUST RUN TO THE NEXT VILLAGE FOR THE DOCTOR!" He jumps up, "Why, are you sick?" Inu Yasha says with concern. "It's Miroku. He's passed out and we can't revive him!" "Are you sure he's not faking to cop a feel or two?" "No, he's really sick. NOW HURRY!" Inu Yasha runs off, grumbling. "He's sick, alright! But, he don't need a doctor to cure it." "Kagome?" Asks Shippou. "What did Inu Yasha mean by 'cop a feel'?" Kagome blushes and runs back to the house.  
  
Some time later, Miroku is awake and talking. "I'm OK, doctor. Just got a little light headed, that's all." "I don't know, Miroku. The strangest thing just happened. You only revived after all the women left the room. I wonder." The doctor paces around the room, and then runs out the door. In a few minutes, one of the women comes in and sat beside Miroku. "Do you feel better? We were worried." She says leaning against him. "I'm fine, it was just.." Miroku snuggles up to her, but has to back away when his breathing becomes labored. "Are you sure you're OK?" "Please, get the doctor!" She runs out. "So, you're having trouble breathing again?" "No, but I did a second ago." "Hmmm," says the doctor, scratching his chin. "I think we need to make a few tests, just to make sure." "Sure of what?" Asks Miroku nervously. "First the tests, then we'll know."  
  
Miroku is told to bathe, change his clothes, and sit outside the gate. One by one, the women of the house are allowed to hug Miroku until he waves his hand, the sign he can't breathe. After the last one is pulled away, the doctor says, "Now you, Kagome." "Do I have to?" "If you want to help your friend, yes." With a sigh, she walks up to Miroku and wraps her arms around his neck. She can feel his hand on her bottom, but she keeps telling herself, "I'm just helping Miroku, I'm just helping Miroku," But, in just a few seconds, he's waving his hands and turning blue. She runs away and Miroku resumes breathing. "OK," says the doctor. "Just one more test, then we'll know for sure. Kagome, I'll need your help one more time." "What do I have to do?" "Well, first you must bathe using only soaps Miroku uses. Then, come out here in a only towel, then after dropping the towel, Hold Miroku until he says he's OK, or until he stops breathing. "OH NO YOU DON'T! I'M NOT LETTING THAT LETCH ANYWHERE NEAR ME NAKED! I DON'T LIKE HIM NEAR ME WHEN MY CLOTHES ARE ON!" "It's up to you, Kagome. But without your help, your friend may die." "Arrrrgh!" Yells Kagome. She storms over to Miroku and shouts, "Don't you ever tell anyone I never did anything for you!" A strange smile comes over Miroku's face. A tear falls from his eye. "For what I'm about to receive, may I be truly thankful!" Frustrated, Kagome storms off.  
  
An hour passes before Kagome emerges from the house. With only a towel wrapped around her, she storms up to Miroku and says, "OK, first rule; you can't touch me! Rule two; everyone, including you must turn around!" "Then how can I ." "You can tell just as well from behind as you can in front!" Miroku looks at the doctor who nods his head. With his lower lip quivering, Miroku turns around, as does everyone else. Kagome drops her towel and wraps her arms around Miroku's waist. "Will you stop shaking!"? What kagome didn't know was the shaking was caused by Miroku gasping for breath. He collapses.  
  
When Miroku comes to again, he's in the doctor's office. "Well, I've got some good news! It seems that you're allergic to estrogen." "Estrogen, what's estrogen?" asks Miroku, quite puzzled. "Estrogen is a hormone women produce. You see, you're allergic to women." "ALLERGIC TO WOMEN!" Miroku passes out again. 


End file.
